Wednesday, November 11, 2009

As depressing as this may sound, lately I've felt like I don't have anything to look forever to. Realistically, I know I have lots to look forward to, but there's nothing in particular that really elicits optimism. I feel very impassive, yet unfulfilled. Actually, I just googled synonyms for "impassive," and "pokerfaced" was one of the results. Therefore, I don't feel impassive anymore :)

Anyways, that leads me to an "isn't it ironic?" moment. I've always been advised not to "rush my life," and lately I've been pretty bummed about the whole getting older thing, yet I constantly feel the need to have something to be striving for; a reason to get up in the morning and go through another typical day. Why can't I just be satisfied in the moment? Isn't simply being here, today, enough? I guess there's a fine line between the desire for happiness and greed.

But hey, right now I'm in no rush for the future, because the future means waking up at 5:45 tomorrow morning. I'm so bad at it.

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

Friday, November 6, 2009

It's Friday, and I'm in love

Here I am, as promised! I figured I'd begin my morning (at 9:30, surprisingly late!) with a nice, little entry to get the blood flowin'.

This weekend has been such a treat so far. Well first off, it's already the weekend for me! No T.A. meeting or work tonight...I'm so pumped! Danielle dyed my hair last night and Kim massaged my feet with some amazing sea salt scrub, and all for some help on a resume! I also joined Anytime Fitness yesterday. 24-hour gym, all brand new equipment, TVs on each of the cardio machines, pilates, yoga, and zumba classes daily, and all for just $29 a month! It really pays off have parents in the public safety business.

So now I feel rejuvenated and ready to take on the World! The World being Foxboro, that is. Tonight Kim and I are going out at Patriot Place. I'm really excited. I need to get out, and by out I mean somewhere not so local. As for the rest of the weekend, I'm working a double on Saturday, and celebrating my niece Natalie's birthday on Sunday in Barrington, RI.

So, get ready for it, 'cause here comes the bitching. I'm somewhat aggravated that this is already turning into a journal. That's not what I intended for it to be. I have things I want to get off my chest and write about, but I don't think I'm ready. Not here, at least. You see, I'm a very impulsive person, and I almost always let my emotions get the best of me. When that happens, things don't come out right. Sometimes, it's not even that they aren't said right. It's that I don't really mean them. The worst part is that I know I don't mean them. I say them because I'm awful at keeping my emotions bottled up, even when they're unreasonable, first-reaction, overly-passionate emotions. I guess I didn't get the superlative "Drama Queen" in high school for nothing. Looks like I've found my long overdue New Year's resolution!

Therefore, until January 1st, I think I'd be better off using this spot to reflect on things in retrospect, rather than to shift through them in the heat of the moment. So, for now, until I have a healthier outlook on the whole situation (yes, there's a situation), my thoughts will have to remain surface level. If that makes this a journal, then so be it. Writing is writing is writing. I gotta give myself credit for that.

Actually, that leads me to something I'd like to write about further, maybe at a later (soon later) time: giving myself credit. Somehow I find myself giving credit when credit is due to everyone around me, except for myself. To make it even worse, my "credit is due" standard for myself is much higher than for anyone else. What it comes down to is that I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I'm not really sure how to do that. Hmph.

Well, now that I started my day off with some me-writing, it's time for some Stan-and-Jerry-writing. I'll be keeping the fallen and wounded American Soldiers of Fort Hood in my thoughts and prayers today..which leads me to another future discussion: why the World is so screwed up these days..not that I have an explanation, but a possibly theory.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Writing just to write, and it feels so good!

Wow, I'm embarrassed. Look at how long it's been. Well, I guess that's grad school.

Actually, no, that's not grad school. That's me. Lately I've noticed that I have an extremely hard time balancing life. I put far too much time into things that aren't deserving of it, and not enough time into some of the things that merit it the most.

For instance, I don't spent hardly enough time writing. I'm a writer, God Dammit! How can I possibly not find the time to write? I'm even in a Professional Writing Master's program! Well, see, there's my problem. I spend hours writing one lousy, little post that means close to NOTHING when it comes down to it, yet I get so caught up in "doing well" that I can't help myself. I hate the fact that I'm constantly writing for the grade. I honestly feel like I put in twice as much time (realistically, probably not that much more) as my classmates, and they do just as well as I do. It makes me so angry. And I wonder why there's never enough hours in the day..because I'm a lunatic (my new favorite word).

So that's why I'm here, once again, and this time I'm going to make a legitimate effort to spend time each week writing. Writing that isn't for rhetorical theory, or my course design, but writing that's for me. Therapeutic writing. I sure do need it...BIG TIME.

So I'd like to say a special "thank you" to my friend and fellow T.A., Tyler, for inspiring me to keep on bloggin'. Without you Tyler, I would have let the virtual dust keep building up on my poor, neglected blog, while I finished my course design instead (and then you all would have had to outcast me).

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

Monday, September 7, 2009

just another manic Monday

Labor Day - After a stressful first week of teaching and a long, exhausting weekend at Chili's, I finally have a day that's labor free. Well, not completely. Can't forget those lesson plans! Honestly, if I could I'd write a script for class so that I'd never be at a loss for words, but that's clearly unrealistic and robot-ish. I guess being a bit over-prepared with 15 sample job ads will just have to do.

I know that with each class it will get easier being up there and lecturing, but I still get so nervous and worked up just with the thought of it. I'm not a shy person by any means, and in most situations, I'm great at playing the confident card, but for some reason, in this particular situation, I simply don't feel good enough. I try to remind myself that if the University didn't believe that I possess the intelligence, capability and talent necessary to be doing what I'm doing then I wouldn't be, yet I still get discouraged. Not to mention, I haven't even started my classes yet. I don't know what in the world to expect from them, considering most of the time I forget that I'm a student more importantly than an instructor.

All-in-all, it's going to be quite the busy, intense semester. I need this, though. I need a good challenge to overcome. I remember I felt the exact same way as I do now when I started my internship at The Sun Chronicle a few summers back. Then, as time went on, and I had more and more stories published, I began to feel so accomplished and the self-doubt slowly disappeared as the confidence built. What an amazing feeling--the moment it occurs to you that apart from your initial fears and insecurities, you've made it; And looking back, it seems so silly that you ever questioned your ability in the first place, and you acknowledge that you truly can achieve greatness. It may take the whole semester..but I'll get there! Now for a run..running cures all.

"It matters not how many times you fall down. What matters is how many times you rise. Mistakes build character, and character takes you places money can't."

Sunday, September 6, 2009

delicious ambiguity

After what feels like an eternity of avoiding it, I've finally succumb to blogging. Anything that gets me to actually write something must be a great thing, right? I have to remind everyone (including myself) that I'm no Perez Hilton though, so don't expect anything too exciting from me. Besides, I'm content with my little life, and hopefully you will be too.

Change. That basically sums my life up right now. In the past 4 months, I've graduated from college, learned
to be on my own again (I'm starting to, at least), lost my only living grandparent, started grad school and a teaching fellowship, said "bon voyage" to my now abroad, good friend, Sarah, and realized a lot, good and bad, about myself. I've never been a big fan of change, at all, but I would be foolish if I didn't appreciate the direction in which my life is moving. It's just scary, I suppose, and very, very different. On the other hand, there's something so charming about the ambiguity of new beginnings.

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."